Bizarro World

Something’s definitely in the water, something besides the sulfur and mineral content. Thank God for small favors and a sturdy filtration system.

disclaimer:  if you’re a  Jacksonville  Florida native , you might be offended by this literary tirade, for that I apologize  in advance……nah, I’m kidding. I ain’t apologizing for shit. You’re probably better off closing this tab on your browser that brought you here.

I needed to renew my vehicle registration, and I made the mistake of going to the DMV on a Friday. What the hell was I thinking? The Department of Motor Vehicles is always crowded on a Friday, especially on payday. There’s never really a good time to go, but what I saw that day gave me a “maybe I should consider relocating ” moment.

I pull into the parking lot. It’s packed as usual, as expected. It’s when I walked in the door that I came to the grim realization that I wasn’t in Kansas anymore and Toto was nowhere to be found. The wonderful land of Oz? Hell no. My personal. living. breathing. twilight zone. I’ve been back in Jacksonville for a decade or more (excluding my military time) and I never have come across the mutants such as the likes of these DMV patrons.

The term “dregs of society” just doesn’t cut it. I’m thinking about that movie “The Hills have eyes“. This lady was eyeballing me with this huge knot on her arm. Something was moving under her skin. Like popcorn, If you could get popcorn underneath your skin.  She was also a psychic, because I was thinking to myself, “please get the hell away from me” and suddenly she and her popcorn lumps left immediately.

I hadn’t even taken a number yet and a lady that was nursing 7 kids like a golden retriever starts yelling she’d been skipped. Maybe if she hadn’t been trying to rodeo her bad ass kids like a spaghetti western, she’d have heard her number when it was called. They were orbiting her like protons orbiting an atom. Whatever “mommy gravitational pull” that kept them from spinning out of orbit was slowly failing.

I’m just trying to listen out for my number to be called, pay for my renewals and get outta there. I don’t even see people like this in Walmart at midnight. If you haven’t seen that people of Walmart site, click here for sadistic laughs. Where is Rick Grimes and Michonne when you need them?

Jacksonville, Florida is just as Dead Pool mentioned it in his movie. No spoilers here, go see the damn movie. We do have the weather and the palm trees, but that is as far as it goes. The beautiful people migrate further south. I do have to mention that Jax sits extremely close to the Georgia border. So our sporting goods stores are chalked full of camo gear. Ever see a car wrapped in camo? I have. Right here in Jacksonville.

95% of my friends and their friends all moved here… lots of corporate, industrial and military types. We all hear the same saying all the time. “Where you from? Y’all aint from round hea, is you”?

The inbreeding can only go so far, the mutants need fresh DNA strands. Better import like I did.

You know it bad when Orlando leave messages on billboards around the city.